Onus

Pedro visited his daughter’s primary school for the quarterly interaction between parent and teacher. The teacher was pointing out that the child was speaking incorrect English. She diagnosed the problem occurrence due to speaking the local language at home. She recommended that the parents speak English at home in conversations with the child.

As they continued the interactions on other aspects of the child’s progress, the teacher noticed Pedro’s grammatical errors while speaking in English. When she sternly pointed out that Pedro’s English was ‘atrociously’ flawed, Pedro calmly asked the teacher, ‘so, do you still recommend that I speak in English at home?’

Obviously, the teacher was putting unnecessarily high expectations of performance from a young child. It is pertinent to note that she was also transferring the onus to the parent of her responsibility of teaching. These are harsh realities of the education system but apply to other disciplines as well.

So often, so many of us are like that teacher… making a wrong diagnosis and prescribing a seemingly logical but effectively silly solution. We set high expectations of performance and when not met we shift the onus of solution to someone else. We shift onus as we don’t want to be attributed as the primary contributor for failure.

We must choose to accept the onus of our responsibility and not shift from it. We must avoid the tendency to shift onus to others when things go wrong. The character of a person is displayed when he chooses to retain ownership of the onus that comes from a sense of responsibility.

The onus is only on me to do what is right…
Rather than shift to someone else in sight !

- Pravin K. Sabnis

Missed Sunset

We were returning from a training program held in an area with no connectivity for the mobile phone. My friend, who was driving the car, made a call to his sweetheart and started his love talk. Looking out of the window, I saw a spectacular sunset. I repeatedly urged my friend, ‘look here’ but in vain!

Eventually, he signed off the phone, stopped the car and asked me, ‘where?’ I calmly replied, ‘it’s gone… the sun has disappeared and the sky is no longer the same.’ He laughed and said, ‘so what? The moon will now create a new painting!’ I joined his mirth with my words, ‘no wonder you were caught up in conversation with the moon!’

Interestingly, my friend was named after the sun and his sweetheart was named after the moon. Last Friday, Ravi Shirsat passed away, way before his time and memories flooded my mind, enough to fill up many editions of Monday Muse. The most pertinent one was of the sunset he missed out on as he caught up with his sweetheart, Poonam!

It is true that the same sunset scene never repeats again. But there will be fresh occasions for enjoying a starlit sky or the luminance of the moon or yet another sunrise or sunset. One dark night, Ravi taught my daughter, Sonia to identify constellations in the sky. Ever since, she would tell me that she would see his face in the Orion whenever she would set sight on the night sky!

We must choose to enjoy the true joys of life from a wide variety of choice… the scene as the sun sets… the sight of emotions on the human face… the song of a bird… the expression in the voice of a dear one… the timely investment in our dreams… the time shared as an unconditional gift…

We are often caught up in the dilemma of missing out on one thing as we choose another. Life is about the choices we make. Every selection will mean that we will miss out on something. Eventually, what matters is that we have chosen one rather than none!

The missed sunset doesn’t merit rue…
If the alternative choice was truly true!

- Pravin K. Sabnis

Blind Spot

Often, Pedro would be in furious quest to find his missing spectacles or keys or mobile phone. The hunt would stop when someone would point out that the very thing he was looking out for was actually in his possession. While others could easily see what he was unnecessarily searching… for Pedro it was a blind spot!

A similar journey involves for our search to discover our true self! Our true self is obvious to the ones who encounter us often. Others can see the obvious because they see it in our behavioural responses.

If we analyse the consistency or the lack of our behaviour in response to varied persons and situations, we will be able to understand the choices we make based on our wants and needs. However, our true self need not be a blind spot.

Others can help us realise what we really are, but it is only we who can choose what we want to be. Hence, rather than spend time, effort and energy on getting to know our true self, we must choose to be what we would like to be. It is important to focus on what we would like to be, instead of only determining what we are!

Lest your real self be hidden, like a blind spot
Choose to be what you want… right to the dot!

- Pravin K. Sabnis

Healthy Humour

Dr. Patch Adams changed the despair of his patients with his cheerful clowning! Convinced of the powerful connection between environment and health, he employed innovative ways in using humour to bring hope and healing to his patients... by dressing up like a clown and decorating the patient’s bed with colourfull balloons. Along with friends, Patch founded a model ‘happy’ hospital – the Gesundheit Institute – where the pain of patients is treated with a patch of humour.

Humour helps because smiling and laughing triggers the secretions of morphine-like chemicals known as endorphins. Endorphins strengthen the immune system (responsible for fighting disease and enhancing recovery), reduce pain, and relax the body. Humour is an excellent aid for treatment of a defeated mind.

Humour works because it distracts people from their worries and pain and it restores perspective. It does not alter the situation, but it helps you to cope with the pain. It reduces fear and worries that seem larger than they actually may be. It makes us look at the brighter side to dark things by focussing on hope and positive thoughts.

We need to face every feeling of despair with a genuine display of care and humour. We should choose to spread cheer and hope by lifting the spirits of those who seem to have succumbed to the situation. And of course, we must start with our own selves by seeing the positives in every problem that seizes us!

Take every depressing ailment head-on…
choose to sing the healthy humour song!

- Pravin K. Sabnis

Strokes

My favourite trainer, Fredrick Tucker would often narrate the story of an abandoned baby that was wasting away in a hospital… it was not responding to treatment and the doctors were forced to enter its condition as ‘hopeless’ on the examination charts. They had given up hope that the baby would survive.

As a last resort, a doctor who had uncommon success in dealing with sick children, for whom everything else had failed, was called in. He wrote on the child's chart – ‘put the baby’s cradle next to the hospital entrance. Put up a large sign requesting people to hold the baby and play with it for a few minutes before moving on.’

The instructions were immediately complied with. The method was ancient, but very effective. The magic formula took effect and the child began to prosper as visitors began to speak to and fondle the baby… the positive strokes healed the little baby that was suffering from a highly common human disease of indifference.


A stroke is a unit of recognition, when one person recognizes another person either verbally or non-verbally. Eric Berne introduced the idea of strokes into Transactional Analysis based upon the work of Rene Spitz, a researcher who observed that infants deprived of handling – in other words, not receiving any strokes – were more prone to emotional and physical difficulties.

Adults need physical contact just like infants, but have learned to substitute other types of recognition instead of physical stimulation. So while an infant needs cuddling, an adult craves a smile, a wink, a hand gesture, or other form of recognition. Berne defined the term ‘recognition-hunger’.

It is pertinent to note that ‘any stroke is better than no stroke at all.’ Hence we must choose to pass on strokes that encourage or reprimand… that motivate or instigate… that are positive or negative… but we must engage… we must keep in touch through strokes that ensure that terminal indifference does not set in.


Shun indifference, touch every bloke…
through a positive recognition stroke!

- Pravin K. Sabnis

Worthiness

The demonetisation initiative of the Government created immediate difficulties for people who did not have usable currency or debit/credit cards. However excessive panic was triggered by propaganda that notes of the denomination of Rs. 500/- and Rs 1000/- were rendered worthless paper.

The reality was that the notes were not worthless… they had to be exchanged with new currency. Bankers worked for extra hours to facilitate this exchange but there was bound to be discomfort and distress for a few days. It was pertinent to note that no honest citizen was going to lose the value of his hard earned money.

Obviously crooks would cook up ingenious remedies to retain their unaccounted wealth. Many from this very tribe kept repeating the rumour that the notes in hand had no value. Some used it to support, some used it to oppose the move to demonetise. All that was needed was a simple exchange to retain the same value!


That which has intrinsic worth will not lose its value if appropriate steps are taken to align with newer dimensions of worthiness in changed circumstances. It is significant to note that the value of the currency will not reduce as long as we follow the legal procedure to retain the stated worth.

Similarly, as persons our personal worth is retained by ensuring that our values do not change with the situation. If our values our intact, then our character will be worthy. If our character is worthy, our worth will never be victim to the vagaries of time or situation as long as we make ethical changes. Personal worthiness is a value we can retain even when circumstances vacillate.

Change is a must when circumstances falter…
Retain worthiness by choosing to ethically alter!

- Pravin K. Sabnis

Lethargy

A pet dog’s late night howling woke up his owner and his wife. When the dog’s laments continued, the wife asked her husband to go out and see the reason for the dog’s distress. The man pleaded helplessness, ‘I’m too tired to move’.

The howling continued and again the wife begged the husband to go and see what was troubling the dog. Again he gave the same answer, ‘I’m too tired to move’.

Eventually the wife went out into the night and the howling stopped. When the wife returned, the man asked, ‘What was wrong with that stupid dog?’ ‘He was lying on a thorn bush’ said the woman ‘He was just too tired to move’.

So often, so many of us are like the dog – people who would rather howl and complain rather than change their position? So often, so many of us are like the man – people who would rather suffer and wait for someone else to solve their problems instead of doing it themselves. The excuse masquerading as a reason is that we are too tired to move.

Lethargy is a matter of choice not a product of circumstance. Rather than be stuck in an apathetic attitude, we must choose to step out of inactiveness. We must claim ownership of every predicament that surrounds us and respond aptly and promptly.

Shun the lazy excuse of being too tired to move...
Let go of lethargy, choose the proactive groove!

- Pravin K. Sabnis