Strokes

While playing with my infant daughter, I would tickle her belly. As she grew, the physical touch was not required. Even if I held out my fingers at a distance, she would giggle uncontrollably and run away.

However, this stimulation would happen only in relation to her dear ones, not others. Obviously, the feeling was beyond real touch. It was linked to a person she recognised as someone she could associate the feeling with.

In Transactional Analysis (TA) such an occurrence is referred to as a ‘stroke’. According to Eric Berne, the founder of TA, ‘a stroke is a unit of recognition’. Woollams and Brown took to further to say: ‘A stroke is a unit of attention which provides stimulation to an individual’.

Every person needs physical and psychological stimulation. Berne chose the word ‘stroke’ based on the infant’s need for touching. Growing up, we learn to seek other forms of recognition to compensate for the lack of physical touch that was available to us during infancy.

Without getting into intricacies of TA, when we find distancing affecting relationships, we can choose to keep in touch through strokes. We can connect through the spoken or written word. We can convey through gestures of body language or gestures (actions) of responsiveness.

We must heed that strokes are positive or negative as well as they can be conditional or unconditional. Berne said unconditional strokes are related to what you are, while the conditional ones are about what you do. Let’s ensure that what we are and what we do is the same: positive strokes!

When distance deters from keeping-in-touch

Unconditional positive strokes can do much!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

Spit Not!

The world is seized with the challenge of the deadly pandemic caused by Covid19. Measures to cope with the killer virus include social distancing, isolation of the infected and disinfecting as a habit. Hopefully, the gravity of the situation will help create best practices in hygiene. One such concern is the habit of spitting in public spaces.

Besides the physical tendency of ejecting saliva and other substances from the mouth, we see the ‘spit out’ trend on social media as well as interpersonal communication. Such ‘spit’ is contaminating and endangering the community by creating clutter of confusion.

We are ejecting out negative, false or irrelevant information or interpretations. Some of these is that we received from others. Without bothering to ponder or confirm the veracity, we forward it… a case of swallowing someone else ‘spit’ and ‘spitting’ it on our friends and colleagues.

Often, it is the bile of prejudice that we spit out. There is the arrogance of being more knowledgeable than the experts. Also, we find the trigger-happy tendency of wanting to be the first to ‘spit’ it out. And of course, there is also the reflexive ‘spitting’ where we are not aware that we have cast out infected ‘spit’ on the one before us.

In all cases – physical, psychological or pathological – we need to ensure that we do not spit out. We must dispose of it in a safe way that contaminates none. We must use our discerning thinking. After all, when the ‘spit’ is out in the open, it endangers the safety of everyone!

Use the discretion of discerning thought

Never mind the surging urge… Spit Not!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

Train your Team

During workshops for entrepreneurs, managers or leaders; there is a session on developing the skill sets of your team members. The intent is to enhance efficiency and effectiveness by evolving their competencies. It requires the investment of time, money and effort.

With an eye on return on investment, some ask, ‘What if the team member leaves the team after training? It will be a waste!’ They are stunned by the counter argument: ‘worse than that would be if they are not trained and they don’t leave you!’

So often, so many of us do things only looking at return benefits in a very short-sighted, selfish way. We would do well to also look at implications of not doing something that is important and being burdened by those consequences.

In a competitive world, others will poach on your trained team members. We do not own the other person. However, there are many other methods to retain them. These include creating a sense of shared ownership, ensuring dignity and recognition, etc. Keeping them untrained is going to be detrimental for you and your enterprise.

They may not be with you forever, yet train your team

For while they are, they add value to a common dream!

~ Pravin K. Sabnis

The way the story is told

Last week, we watched a well-made Hindi film called ‘Thappad’. It had apt casting of actors and technicians who played their parts well. However, the story was known to most in the audience as it was pre-disclosed in the promos as well as on social media.

So what draws the interest in watching the performance of a single line story? What makes for the success of a known story? It is pertinent to note that more important than the story, is the way the story is told!

Everyone has stories to tell but some tell them better. It is a skill that can be developed and as a tool it can be used to powerful effect. When told purposefully, the story leads to inclusion and connection with the audience.

Ditto for the life we lead. It is a story untold but we can decide the way it will be told. Our lives become interesting when we choose to live them with enthusiasm, imagination and exploration, just like a good story deserves to be told.

We may do the same things as others or we may involve in something new. The distinguishing factor is the way we approach it. Worthy storytelling ensures the eternal appeal of the story. Similarly purposeful living leaves a legacy… a legacy worth telling!

the story may be new or it may be old

what matters is the way the story is told!

~ Pravin K. Sabnis

Pre Blame

Pedro told his son to go get water from the well. Before the son left, he slapped him and shouted, ‘make sure you don't break the earthen pot!’ Seeing the boy cry, a bystander asked, ‘Why did you hit him? What is his mistake?’

‘Better to hit him now than to hit him afterwards if he does end up breaking it’, Pedro replied, ‘that would be too late!’

Pedro was playing the world's oldest game of blaming someone. But the pre-blame version is the worst. It is a case of picking a target of blame: a scapegoat. An experienced player can pre-blame anything or anyone, at any time.

While the pre-blame approach is unfair to the accused, it is also detrimental to the player of the game. Those who pre-blame are low on their ability to trust and end up being poor leaders. With the trust deficit, they have low confidence in efforts as well as results. Their belief is weak and they are a negative influence.

The opposite of blame is many things, all positive: forgiveness, empathy, trust, encouragement, When we accept responsibility, we gain control of our life. We enhance our well-being, relationships, and careers by reaching beyond the blame.

 
marking a scapegoat is a dirty game

accept onus… go beyond pre-blame!

~ Pravin K. Sabnis