Unsolicited

A husband came into the kitchen and started badgering his wife, ‘hey! Be careful with the potato peeler… you may peel your skin! Please, watch what you are doing with the knife… you may cut a finger along with the ladyfinger! Don’t look this way… keep your eyes on the boiling pot! Hey, slow down… be careful… heed what I say!’ 

The stunned wife reacts, ‘what’s wrong with you? Why are you interfering unnecessarily… why are you giving unsolicited advice? For so many years I have been cooking without any mishaps…’

‘Exactly the point that I want to make, the husband asserted, ‘For so many years, I have been driving my car… without unsolicited advice!’

The story was shared over a long drive by Dr Vinaykumar Pai Raikar, a witty conversationalist and keen observer of human behaviour. He was making a pertinent point about the tendency to dump unsought, superfluous assistance onto others… and the disruptive distractions triggered by such unneeded interference.

So often, so many of us find it easy to direct actions of others that we may or may not be able to execute ourselves. The actor is focussed on the destination as well as the journey as well as the moving steps. But unsought directors unsettle this focus and disturb the mind by needless instructions.

Back seat driving is a role that we can easily slip into. It is a sign of disproportionate estimation of our own ability or underestimation of the capabilities of the other person. It may mean that we do not trust others or that we are not ready to let go. Even when intervention is necessary, it should not be unsolicited!

Unsolicited interference is not just upsetting
It disturbs the player and triggers unsettling!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

Forced Feed

In an engaging session at the Goa Environmental Festival, Venkat Charloo (of Coastal Impact) was educating school students about marine diversity. He mentioned the tendency of human beings to feed fish (and other animals too) the food that human beings eat. This forced feed harms (and even kills) the creature.

So often, so many of us force feed not just animals but also human beings. I have seen a child that was allergic to nuts being forced to eat a chocolate with nuts in it. The child was refusing the sweet but the adult persisted saying that it is was surprising to see a child refuse chocolates.

In our country, there is a popular tradition to dump more food in the plate of the guest even if he does not want it. Besides food, we force our beliefs, prejudices and rituals on others. The intensity of such force feeding is worse when the other person is perceived as being weaker to the one doing the forced feeding.

In school, we learnt a line that said, ‘what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.’ Interestingly, this line is derived from an earlier proverb: ‘What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander’. Obviously the sauce is to be used on a cooked goose or gander that is dead.

Force feeding kills. Force feeding suppresses. Force feeding denies the right to receive the right thing. Different beings have different needs and different capacities. When we force feed we presume that what is good for me is good for the other. But it is pertinent to note that it need not be. We must refrain from careless force feeding!

The forced feed can kill and bleed
Diversity needs appropriate deed!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

Bit

One day a raging fire engulfed a forest. Frightened, all the animals fled their homes and ran out of the forest. From the distance, they watched the fire feeling powerless. Every one of them thought there was nothing they could do about the fire, except for a little sparrow.

It swooped into a stream, picked up a few drops of water, went into the forest and put them on the fire. It kept going back, again and again. All the other animals watched in disbelief; some tried to discouraging and disparaging the sparrow with comments like, ‘your little efforts will have no impact.’ The little bird said, ‘I am doing what I can’

The story was told by Makarand Anaspure during his interaction with the audience at the Goa Environmental Festival. Makarand along with Nana Patekar started the NAAM foundation in September 2015. NAAM is a manifestation of human spirit in response to the devastating conditions of drought affected farmers in Maharashtra.

Makarand was speaking as a rejoinder to a question whether small efforts could cope with the gigantic problem of drought. He insisted that the history would remember the little bird as one who fought the fire. He insisted that we must choose to be part of the solution rather than be motionless onlookers. We must do our bit!

It is the little drops that turn a dry patch into a wet one. It is the little drops that eventually make a sea. We must not be overawed into inaction by the magnitude of the challenge. We must focus on sincerely doing everything we can, even if it seems too tad. For the choice is only between doing something and doing nothing!

It is the sincere bit
… that will solve it!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

Can you?

Often in my interactions with an audience, I ask them to raise their hands if in affirmation with my questions. The question is simple: Can you sing? Very few persons put up their hands.

Then I expand the question: Can you sing the ‘Happy Birthday’ song? Can you sing the national anthem? Can you sing ‘Hum honge kamyaab’ (the version of ‘we shall overcome’)? All put up their hands to confirm that they can sing!

The question posed in the same instance is understood differently by different persons! Some view it as a question of being able to simply sing and the others as a question of being able to skilfully sing as well as the ones they view as capable to sing.

In the first instance there is no burden of comparison. There is simple understanding that one can sing. May be one cannot sing as well as others but the question was more about one’s willingness and basic beliefs.

When posed the question, ‘Can you?’ we must be open minded and answer it is a straight question. We must not judge our capability in context with a better performer. We must declare our ability to do what we do so well by saying, ‘Yes I can!’

‘Can you’… if the question began
The answer should be ‘Yes I Can’!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

As you please

My father, K N Sabnis was a great influence on my perspectives in life. During our childhood, he once offered to serve ‘English Tea’ in the evening. My brother and me rushed back home, during our break while playing. We were disappointed to see a scene far below our high expectations.

We expected some exotic form of tea. But we found our regular tea waiting in separate containers as tea, milk and sugar. We had to mix the three items in a cup and stir it to prepare our cup of tea. When asked about the difference from the regular, he smiled and said, ‘you get to make your own cup as per your wish!’

‘As you please’ is a wonderful phrase that indicates the right to choose and get what one wishes for. In an increasingly mechanical world, it offers options based on needs and wants. It offers discretion beyond the single choice of uniformity. It empowers the individual’s power of free will.

So often, so many of us offer no choice to the recipient of our gift. So often, so many of us refrain from disclosing our preference when something is forced upon us. Choice is eventually about options and the freedom to select as you please.

Choice is also about onus. It is about taking ownership of one’s needs and wants. It is about being sensitive to the needs and wants of others, instead of forcing uniformity. It is about allowing others to make their cup as they please! It is about insisting on exercising the choice to make your own cup as you please!

As free will and onus increase
Make your cup… as you please!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

India

Some 20 years ago, Panaji Jaycees had arranged a talk by Placido D’Souza a former foreign services officer. After his talk, the floor was opened for questions. Since nobody was asking him any questions, the Chairman called out my name. I asked him, ‘How do you project the image of India to the foreigners?’

In such situations, when forced to ask questions we tend to ask queries that we have answers to. If I were asked the same question, I would have waxed eloquently about our great heritage, our rich diversity, our impressive history, our great culture, our heroes, so on and so forth…

But his answer was an eye-opener… Mr D’Souza said, ‘We project India as the land of the white revolution (milk), green revolution (agriculture), telecom revolution…’ He was basically talking about verifiable achievements from recent history instead of over glorified generalisations from the distant past.

We depend on a distant past to justify our pride in our country… But if we connect to the real achievements that are going on, we connect to the present. We must also accept and overcome our shortcomings. The past, good and bad, tells us where we have come from. But our response now, determines where we will go.

We need to identify our role (in the present) to write the script (of the future) of India. We must choose to be sincere, sensitive and responsive citizens. On every surface we walk… to every person we meet… in every situation we encounter… may we play a positive proactive role for our India!

We cannot rest on real or illusory history
India needs us to act NOW for posterity!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

Friend

The first Sunday of August is occasion for wishing friends on social media. Friendship Day was started by the greeting card industry. However with the spread of social networking sites, the greetings have grown with the copy-paste forwards. The sentiment may be well-intentioned but it may not reflect true relationships.

In the virtual world, the emotion is sometimes one-sided, sometimes pretence, sometimes self-centred and sometimes it is a craving to belong to the trend. It is a race to get more virtual connections than one’s colleagues in the virtual world. There is a symbiotic relationship to over praise and use superlatives.

Of course, there are many genuine friends who may use the occasion to celebrate their bond, but they would do so even without occasion. There are instances of social media strengthening the bonds of friendship. However it is pertinent to note that there are many more factors than mere declarations on friendship day.

Friends find reason to create moments to breathe life into their relationship. They do not pay superficial lip-service. They choose to share joys and sorrows, good and bad times with their friends. Friendship is about cooperative and supportive behaviour between persons. It involves acceptance, affection as well as trustworthiness.

You cannot really force someone to be your friend. But, you can choose to be true friends with the person who you want as friend. Being worthy is about being dependable, showing affection, sharing and caring. And all these must be done in the real world in real ways in real space… not just virtual!

If I am a worthy friend in every way
Every day will be a friendship day!

~ Pravin K Sabnis