The Elephant in the Room

An elephant standing in your room is impossible to miss. But if everyone pretends it is not there, the conversation continues around it. The phrase describes an obvious problem, difficult issue, or unspoken truth that is being avoided.

We know it. We see it taking up all the space. Yet, no one says a word. That is the elephant in the room... a truth so obvious, so large, that its very presence is ignored precisely because acknowledging it would be uncomfortable.

In a family, it might be a failing marriage that everyone knows about but no one discusses. In an organization, it is often the real reason a project is failing, a toxic manager no one dares to name, or a budget cut everyone suspects is coming. In society, it can be caste, corruption, climate change, or mental health... issues too big to ignore, yet too awkward to address directly.

There are reasons why we ignore the elephant in the room. Pointing at the elephant makes you the disruptor. People fear being labelled rude, negative or disloyal. Secondly, if we name the problem, we will have to do something about it. Pretending it doesn't exist feels safer than taking responsibility.

Social politeness is a major handicap. We are trained to be nice. Organizations often value harmony over honesty, so we choose polite silence over difficult truth. But, the energy spent ignoring the elephant is far greater than the energy required to address it.  

Every room has an elephant at some point. Mature people are those who learn to point to it quickly, kindly and courageously. Ignoring only makes the room smaller for everyone else. Acknowledging the elephant is an act of respect... for the truth, and for the people in the room.

When the elephant in the room is out there

Do not pretend otherwise, choose to dare!

~ Pravin K Sabnis 

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It is Okay!

These are the words that can either heal the other or hurt the one who utters it. We say it when someone spills or breaks something. When a friend cancels at the last minute. When someone apologizes for something that actually hurt. 

We say it because it is easy, because it smooths the surface. We want to be seen as kind or we may want to move on and beyond. However while saying 'it is okay' is a powerful act, it should not be misdirected.

It can be the most generous thing to do. It is forgiveness without a lecture. It is telling someone: You are human. You made a mistake, and it is okay. When someone is drowning in guilt, it can be the rope that releases both persons.

The problem begins when we say it even when it is not okay. You do it to avoid conflict. To keep the peace at the cost of our own peace. You end up teaching people that your boundaries are negotiable. 

We must learn to say it honestly. Saying 'it is okay' should be a conscious choice, not a reflex. It is okay to not be okay. And it is a joy when it truly is okay.

Choose to say or not to say

Those lovely words 'it is okay'

~ Pravin K Sabnis

 

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When? Then!

So often we choose 'I will be happy when... only then!' When I make a crore. When I have my dream car. When I get a coveted award. When? Then!

Psychologists call it the 'Arrival Fallacy'. Robert Holden called it 'Destination Addiction'. In simple terms, it is happiness deferral, meaning ignoring the small joys in the quest of the larger version of stated happiness.

The concern is not just that you are unhappy now. You begin to miss the only place happiness can actually happen... inside an ordinary, unfinished day in smaller but sure ways.

It is not about lowering goals. It is about refusing to make your well-being conditional on achieving them. If we reach the desired destination, we simply create another, thus deferring happiness to an even later date.

Aristotle said happiness is an activity, not a prize at the end. It's how you are while you live, not what you get after. So choose to enjoy the joys on the way instead of waiting for another day!

Defeat the trap of deferral by waiting for a later 'then'...

Lots of joys are found if we don't postpone the 'when'!

~ Pravin K Sabnis

 

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Role model

There are sincere persons who are aligned to defined responsibilities towards sustainable living. And there are self-declared environmentalists who are superficially interested in the environment. This tribe is interested in being seen as persons who care.

Their environmentalism is not about sacrifice. It is a curation. The norms they propose are for others. Their own consumption is framed as essential, conscious, offset. They are obsessed with symbolism over substance. 

Real environmentalism is boring, local, and humble. It is cleaning a beach without filming it. It is fixing things instead of replacing them, wasting less, consuming less quietly and living a sustainable life. It does not need a label, a hashtag, or a moral superiority complex.

As teachers, preachers, and leaders, we show the way to students, listeners, and followers. The question is whether we walk the talk and inspire by example. The question is whether we are role models to what we ask others to do.

Role Models, they say...

Walk the talk, every way!

~ Pravin K Sabnis 

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Correction

It is said that even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Its frozen hands match the repeating 12-hour cycle during both the morning and evening.

A clock that is wrong every time is the one that is running but on the wrong time. It is putting in the efforts but is just off enough to never accidentally show the right time.

That makes it seem worse than broken. A broken clock tells the truth twice by doing nothing. The wrong clock lies constantly by trying but repeating the error of being off time.

This is a good metaphor for people too. There are ones who keep doing the wrong thing because they are off track. It is important to start right and if not, we must get back to the right track.

However, not doing anything is not recommended even if you are right by some coincidence on random occasion. Most importantly, even if you are on the wrong track, you can always make the course correction. 

Don't play dead just to be right by chance

If the move is wrong, correct your dance

~ Pravin K Sabnis 

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One and the same

4 years old, Karga Tinkle Gongo, from Itanagar, Arunachal Pradesh, was recorded by her mother while buying icecream. Someone commented on the video, 'Why is this Chinese child speaking Hindi?'

Karga got sad and made another video saying, 'I am an Indian... Don't call me Chinese!' This video went viral on social media but we cannot be sure that all of us will learn the lessons taught by the little girl.

Being Indian was never about one face, one language, one look. She reminded us that India has always been a mix of different faces, cultures, languages and diverse indigenous communities. 

People from the Northeast are often asked 'are you really from India?' People from elsewhere are mocked as being lesser Indians, based on the demonisation of the State they come from or for other sweeping generalizations.

Hateful racist comments are unacceptable even as loose jokes. Karga said it clearly, 'it makes us very angry and very sad.' She was claiming her place. The lesson for us is to give that place.

Looking different is another excuse lame

Truth be told, we are one and the same!

~ Pravin K Sabnis 

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Laissez-faire

Laissez-faire leadership, sometimes called delegative leadership, is an approach in which leaders give minimal oversight and allow team members autonomy in making decisions and managing tasks. It is basically the idea that things run best when Government, bosses, or other authorities don't interfere too much.

In economics, it suggests that the Government does not regulate business. No price controls, minimal taxes, no subsidies. Businesses and consumers make their own choices and the "invisible hand" of the market sorts it out. In general it is about letting people make their own decisions without stepping in.

It comes from the French phrase 'laissez faire, laissez passer' (let do, let pass). The Physiocrats proclaimed laissez-faire in 18th-century France, placing it at the very core of their economic principles and famous economists, beginning with Adam Smith, developed the idea.

The positives of a 'laissez faire' approach are more innovation, efficiency, individual freedom. The negatives are that it can lead to monopolies, inequality, and no safety net when things go wrong. 

So the middle path while choosing the 'laissez faire' approach in economics, leadership or even parenting, should be less of 'no rules at all' and more 'minimal rules, maximum freedom to operate.'

The doctrine laissez faire is about 'let be'

But ensure the vulnerable are not at sea.

L

~ Pravin K Sabnis

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